Tuesday, March 14, 2006

A year later, and it still hurts so bad!

Well today is a cold, dreary day. It has been a very long day. I am sure a lot of my feelings are triggered by the lack of sleep, but the memories of a year ago are being flash backed through my mind. I am really not dealing with it well. This is the day that Annika was rushed from our county hospital to the city's NICU with a meconium ileus. I am so depressed today. Everything seems to remind me of the uncertainty I felt that day....the unknown, the fears, the pain. And knowing now that it was the start of a huge change in our lives., the day cystic fibrosis became an unseen enemy in our lives. I remember seeing her hooked up to tubes and I.V's wondering what I did to deserve this fate for our beautiful daughter. What did the future bring???? Was there a future???? My goodness, I never thought I would feel like this , and remember all those emotions I went through. This disease is who we are now, and I know that Annika has amazing odds working in her court, and I pray in her lifetime and mine they find a cure or a way to live with this disease, but on days like this, depression takes hold, all the what ifs jump into my mind. I pray God gives me the strength to get through this day, and to talk things through with David when he gets home from work. I know a part of me is being so silly with this whole reliving that day. Every time I think of what happened just a year ago, I try to shake the memory. I look at Annika and think, look at her she is doing so well. She is 17lbs and full of energy. Treatments are going well and she is on no medications except enzymes and ventolin, so why am I worried. Enjoy each day, pray for many , many more.
Last night David got a small cake for just us to enjoy. Parker, David ,Annika and myself. We sang happy birthday and Parker blew out the candle. At the end of the song Dave added, "and many more birthdays" Why did that bother me so? We have said that at the end of "Happy Birthday " before. We wishes secretly(to reveal to each other later ) that Annika see so many birthday candles one day that people can tease her that the cake is on fire....lol
I know this is a natural part of healing, but I feel like my nerves are fried! Poor Parker today, he has pushed buttons in me that I didn't even know I had. My parents are taking him for the next two nights, which I so appreciate.
I don't know what I would do without family and friends.
I don't feel like I am enjoying Annika's Dance, I feel like I am destroying all we have worked to over come this past year.