Friday, January 27, 2012

A gumble and an ache

Well that was a hell of a two week journey. Three different antibiotics in four weeks. Pain killers and injectable gravol where a necessary commodity in my household. Three ER visits were more than enough! The kids counted the holes on my arms and hands after the last visit and it totalled 13 puncture wounds~
I often wonder when this insanity will get any better. During the illness, time travels so fast, I think because I sleep through days at a time. I know during my illness outbreaks that time travels so slowly for everyone else. David has to take on extra responsibilities. My parents and friends step up to the plate. My kids pray and wish for their mom back. There is nothing normal about a 6 year old wiping the brow of their mother, after she finishing hugging the toilet for an hour. There is nothing fair about the statement at all! My husband never signed up for this, nor did I. I really don't think when young people marry, that they really understand the importance of their vows. I am not the energetic, vivacious young lady my husband fell in love with. I am sure I never will be again. I always hate the week after the illness. You know the week where most are thankful for feeling better. While I am glad I am no longer puking every five minutes, and the pain is gone. I am also thankful that I don't have to nap everyday right now, I can't help but have this overwhelming feeling of guilt. A guilt that I know is foolish, but nevertheless, I have guilt. I have guilt for still relying on my parents to care for me, in my 40th year of life, I have guilt that I am not the mother my children need, I have guilt that I am a needy friend, I have guilt that I am not the life partner my husband needs. I have guilt. Sometimes I wonder if this guilt will ever get better. Don't get me wrong, I have excepted the fact that I have cf, but at times of sickness, I have to remind myself that cf does not have me. Period.
So this week is a week of reflection, or catching up, and of rest. This week is the first of healing, and moving forward once again. This week is the first week of the rest of my life.