Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Home, and healing

Well last night the hospital discharged us. They came to the conclusion that Annika has a viral infection, but they are not sure where. Her white blood count is still high, but basically they can't do anything more for her in hospital, so we all decided to come home. Home is so healing. Just waiting for Annika to get her tonsils out. I am going to call her ENT tomorrow to let him know she had another hospital stay. Hopefully he can get to her soon. The doctor in the hospital stated this infection could be ENT related for sure.
We got to go to Ann's house for the Hasson family Christmas party. Annie didn't eat much, and either did I . This gallbladder is kicking my arse! Can't wait till the 21st!
It was so nice to be with the Hasson's with no squabbling, or fighting. Just lots of laughing, which was so refreshing. I actually enjoyed myself. Joelle idolizes Annika. We got her a princess shirt, just like Annie's for part of her Christmas gift. Annika had hers on, and when Jo Jo opened hers, she insisted she have hers on right away. It is so cute. That is exactly how Annika used to be with my niece Dawn. It is cool to see the generation circle continue.Baby Tess is getting so big, and cute.The kids got spoiled as usual. But in a good, practical way.
Today I am resting in bed. My body is not well. I feel so weak. It is very frustrating as a mother to not be the caring, nurturing mother you want to be. When you are in pain, and weak, it is hard to play even Lego.I hate my body, I hate this disease. I see myself slowly going on a downward spiral. I look at myself in the mirror and think, who is that woman looking at me. The dark circles, the pale skin. I used to be so vivacious, what happened to me. What did this disease do to me. What will it do to Annika. I am struggling with those thought. I couldn't help but think every other child is home with their families enjoying family and friends. A good Christmas dinner. Visiting households, playing with toys. My daughter and me are puking, fighting fevers and body aches. Fighting this disease. How is that fair. How is it fair that my son has to watch his sister scream out in pain, or hug the toilet. How will this disease effect his life. How is this fair to my husband, who when he married me , had NO IDEA what his future held. How does it effect his mental and physical state? How is this fair to my friends, who get neglected. I understand how they feel cheated. How this disease takes from them also. How is this fair to anyone.
I need those friends, I need my family, but what can I offer in return.
Today is my father's 69th birthday. Annika made a birthday card for him, which I know will be the most treasured gift he will get today. Those kids are my father's whole world. I honestly think they are the reason he goes on. We got him some presents, and Dave is going to take the kids to Walmart to get their final gift with their Christmas money. On the way home he is picking up Chinese food from our favourite restaurant for dad's birthday. So I will be trekking over there tonight in pj's, how insane is that.
Don't get me wrong. We have lots to be thankful for. We have wonderful family and friends. We were all together Christmas morning, and are now together to celebrate another year papa is here. We have lots of love in our life. We have a roof over our head, we have a vechile, and health care. We have much much more than some. I just can't help be frustrated with it all. Thank you to those who visited Annika in the hospital . Annika loves those visits. Thanks for the phone calls and emails. They do help, honestly. And thank you most to those who helped Dave and I with the animals and Parker. He is such a great kid!
Thank you for your love.