Goodbye Facebook

My husband tried to preach the negatives of Facebook to me, and I fought him with the positives. Yet when I sat back and thought hard and long about it, I realized what was most theraputic for me Facebook tookaway from me. Writing my feelings, without holding back, and worrying about who I hurt in the process....well truthfully was the most healing for my soul. Facebook made it so easy to post about my issues with life and cystic fibrosis, that I stopped posting to this blog. I neglected the one thing that helped me cope. While I relied on false friends who pretended to be sympathetic, and caring....truthfully the friends that really cared took the time to call, write or email me. Even better, those who really cared visited us all those times in the hospital. I have a lot of anger right now, and that anger is bubbling up and invading my life. My husband , kids, family and friends notice I am sure. I am focusing on things outside my family and faith, and have been worrying about what others think of me. When those individuals would never lift a finger to help me. They judge me, expect me to be a sweet, loving individual to them. When behind my back they push the dagger in farther and farther. It breaks me apart at my very soul. I am becoming someone I don't reconize at all. Anger and frustration is eating away at me, little by little. I thought I was the type to bend over backwards to help others. Always calling, lending out my things, teaching for free, providing support. But all the while , as I am struggling to exist, doing 7 IV's a day so our daughter can have a normal life, not one of these individuals have offered to help. Or to call, or to offer a kind word. They know what our family is going through....yet all they offer is critisim, and gossip. I find that Facebook just fuels this. Silly little comments...and you sit back and look at a status line and wonder....Is that directed at me? And how is this benefiting me? or my family? I know who I was, and what I have become. I have lost the real me....the mother, daughter, friend, and wife I want to be. I hate looking in the mirror because I don't like what I see. This isn't about hips, bumps and lumps. This is about how things in my life are hurting me in so many ways. My appearance, my health, my attitude. I have become a person I am not happy with. So full of doubt, and anger. So Facebook is just the first step in many. Facebook is just the beginning to getting the false friends, bad comments, self doubt in the garbage where it belongs.
Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I start my journey in cleaning up my heart. In doing things that truly make me happy. I have enought pain with the struggles of cystic fibrosis. I have enough pain from the past. I need love, and happiness or I will not survive this journey. I will not survive .
So I raise my imaginary glass ( filled with something strong I am sure....lol) to the heavens. I raise a cheer...."Here is to a new day". And to my friends, and family.....have patience with me, I will survive.
And to my God.....forgive me please. I have strayed.

Sickness and faith

I often get asked "How do you do this?"meaning how do I tolerate all that this family has to go through in our walk with cystic fibrosis. Well I often respond "I don't do it alone!" Now this may have different meanings to different people. Some  may think "Wow she has a great husband" or "She must have a really supportive family", possibly "She must have an amazing set of friends" or better yet "She has total faith in the Lord" All of these statements would be 100% true on any given day. But the statement that hits my heart the strongest is, she has total faith in the Lord. Given that the other statements are true, but what good are these statements without God. My husband, family and friends are wonderful, but they are only human. Even the best of humanity will collapse under stress. My Lord always holds true. I am like any Christian struggling with their faith. There are days when my faith is so strong. There are days when I question my faith and belief, but then the Lord sends a gentle reminder of his powers. I guess you could say on those days I feel like I have been smacked up side the head with a brick. Mind you the masonry did it with love.
Our family will continue to struggle with our health. We will continue to grow in our walk with Christ. Life's issues will be given unto him, and I will follow his path.
So to all who wonder how I do it ? I have no idea, but through him I have found the way.

Annika is healing fine. She is tolerating food great, and is starting to get her appetite back. She kicked her brother off the couch yesterday, so my sassy diva is back. God is good!

The big day has come

Well anyone who knows us, knows that we have been waiting forever to correct Annika's ENT (ears, nose, throat) issue's. Well the big day has come. This morning she came out of tonsil, adenoid, and sinus surgery. She woke up, not a happy camper mind you. She has been running a low grade fever, and her uvula is very swollen. Also her sinuses are bleeding, so it is just dripping down her throat. hopefully we can get it under control soon. Also she has been having lower right side pain. She has been experiencing this off and on for the last 4 weeks, but this is the first time she started screaming in the presence of a doctor. Perfect timing, so the doctor ordered a ultrasound. She is sleeping right now because of the blessed morphine. I will continue to update. Hugs to all. We are in room 3222.

Bucket! I said bucket!

All this in and out of the hospital trips with Annika and I over the last month has got me thinking. I have never made a wish list, or as us older cfers know it as a bucket list. Don't get me wrong, I don't think this recent surgery and ongoing abscess/infection is going to be the death of me. But since I have spent a lot of time recently staring at the same four walls. So here it goes. I must warn you it is not a "normal" bucket list
Things I would like to do, or places I would like to see before I kick the bucket:
1. Dive the great barrier reef with my son
2. Hot air balloon ride
3. Sky dive
4. Walk on part on "The Walking Dead" This would satisfy my sickening love for all thing zombies
5. Investigate with Josh Gates on Destination Truth
6. Investigate with the paranormal, such as Ghost Hunters or Ghost Lab
7. Own a horse
8. Get a full stomach panel tattoo
9. See the pyramids
10. Swim in all the oceans( except the polar ones)a toe dip would do. I have swam in the Atlantic as of date.
11. Visit an active volcano, like in Hawaii
12. Watch both my children grow old enough, get married and be happy.
13. Hold my first grandchild
14.Meet my favourite author Dean R Kootnz
15. Visit a long lost friend (relative) in Germany. You know who you are.
16. Swim with dolphins
17. Catch a fish that weighs more than me.....lol.
18. Travel to all the provinces in Canada with my family.

So this is the good old stand in. Each year I add a few. I hope to soon scratch off a few. Realistic thoughts tell me I may be able to scratch off half of these. Let's pray to God , with the connections, friends and family I have. I can scratch them all off. So if you can hook me up????

Gallbladder gone, SLOWLY HEALING, did I say slowly?

OK so for the full story. I went into Leamington ER the morning of the 29th. I had woke up, or should I have said never went to sleep that night. I had been puking on and off since the 24th of December. We all knew Christmas kinda bit the big one, well it was looking like New Year's would suck too! After examining me and doing several tests, the doctor advised me that I had an infection in my stomach perineum and my gallbladder needed to come out way before my scheduled surgery date on the 21st. The surgeon Dr.Tracy came to see me and told me she scheduled me in at 8am tomorrow, Jan 31st. All that happened after that was a whirlwind. Crazy I must admit. The next thing I remember is talking to the nurses in the OR, and than waking up with no gallbladder. Wild! The bad news was the doctor couldn't remove it laproscopic. There was too much scar tissue from my bowel resection. So I wake up with four staples at my navel, and just under my right breast I now had a Frankenstein like scar with 9 staples spaced half a centimeter apart. And alot of pain. They had me on Cipro....which made me puke horribly. Flagyl, dilaudid and and anti nausea medicine. I was bed ridden for 3 days. My blood pressure was 85 /45.....yep you are reading right. So to say the least, from that point on I realised this was going to be a slow go. By Tuesday my doctor was away at a marathon, and the new doctor discharged me, even though I was complaining of severe pain and nausea. Come this weekend I was still feeling horrible. The fever kicked in Monday, and so did the puking. My wound was leaking a yellowish green from the left side, and smart me was doing saline soaks to help the infection to come out. I called my family doctor, because my surgeon isn't back until Thursday. I will be seeing her at 1:30 pm. Today I saw my family doctor. I have an infection in the wound, so I have been put on Keflex.He told me it was good I was doing the saline soaks, or he stated it would probably be much worst! I also have a UTI, so the Keflex will cover that also. I am on Diflucan for thrush on both ends( ahh gotta love antibiotics and being a woman!)and still on pain killers until I heal up. Grrr this is so frustrating. So to all my friends who have been calling or emailing. Thank you for your love. It really was shocking opening my email after 5 days of ignoring it and having to go through almost 100 get wells. I truly am a blessed woman! To my friends who have managed to visit and bring over goodies. Love you a bunch. I will keep you all posted as I know more.
Annika is doing well. THANK GOD! no infections right now, and we are just waiting to here from her ENT for a cancellation for her tonsils, if there are no cancellations than she will have her tonsils out April 11th. Dave is stressed because of the situation and Parker is being a great little man. He comes home everyday and tells me how his schooling is going. He and Annika come into the bedroom to check on me often, and they are honestly trying to be on their best behaviour. To be continued......