My husband tried to preach the negatives of Facebook to me, and I fought him with the positives. Yet when I sat back and thought hard and long about it, I realized what was most theraputic for me Facebook tookaway from me. Writing my feelings, without holding back, and worrying about who I hurt in the process....well truthfully was the most healing for my soul. Facebook made it so easy to post about my issues with life and cystic fibrosis, that I stopped posting to this blog. I neglected the one thing that helped me cope. While I relied on false friends who pretended to be sympathetic, and caring....truthfully the friends that really cared took the time to call, write or email me. Even better, those who really cared visited us all those times in the hospital. I have a lot of anger right now, and that anger is bubbling up and invading my life. My husband , kids, family and friends notice I am sure. I am focusing on things outside my family and faith, and have been worrying about what others think of me. When those individuals would never lift a finger to help me. They judge me, expect me to be a sweet, loving individual to them. When behind my back they push the dagger in farther and farther. It breaks me apart at my very soul. I am becoming someone I don't reconize at all. Anger and frustration is eating away at me, little by little. I thought I was the type to bend over backwards to help others. Always calling, lending out my things, teaching for free, providing support. But all the while , as I am struggling to exist, doing 7 IV's a day so our daughter can have a normal life, not one of these individuals have offered to help. Or to call, or to offer a kind word. They know what our family is going through....yet all they offer is critisim, and gossip. I find that Facebook just fuels this. Silly little comments...and you sit back and look at a status line and wonder....Is that directed at me? And how is this benefiting me? or my family? I know who I was, and what I have become. I have lost the real me....the mother, daughter, friend, and wife I want to be. I hate looking in the mirror because I don't like what I see. This isn't about hips, bumps and lumps. This is about how things in my life are hurting me in so many ways. My appearance, my health, my attitude. I have become a person I am not happy with. So full of doubt, and anger. So Facebook is just the first step in many. Facebook is just the beginning to getting the false friends, bad comments, self doubt in the garbage where it belongs.
Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I start my journey in cleaning up my heart. In doing things that truly make me happy. I have enought pain with the struggles of cystic fibrosis. I have enough pain from the past. I need love, and happiness or I will not survive this journey. I will not survive .
So I raise my imaginary glass ( filled with something strong I am sure....lol) to the heavens. I raise a cheer...."Here is to a new day". And to my friends, and family.....have patience with me, I will survive.
And to my God.....forgive me please. I have strayed.