A year later, and it still hurts so bad!

Well today is a cold, dreary day. It has been a very long day. I am sure a lot of my feelings are triggered by the lack of sleep, but the memories of a year ago are being flash backed through my mind. I am really not dealing with it well. This is the day that Annika was rushed from our county hospital to the city's NICU with a meconium ileus. I am so depressed today. Everything seems to remind me of the uncertainty I felt that day....the unknown, the fears, the pain. And knowing now that it was the start of a huge change in our lives., the day cystic fibrosis became an unseen enemy in our lives. I remember seeing her hooked up to tubes and I.V's wondering what I did to deserve this fate for our beautiful daughter. What did the future bring???? Was there a future???? My goodness, I never thought I would feel like this , and remember all those emotions I went through. This disease is who we are now, and I know that Annika has amazing odds working in her court, and I pray in her lifetime and mine they find a cure or a way to live with this disease, but on days like this, depression takes hold, all the what ifs jump into my mind. I pray God gives me the strength to get through this day, and to talk things through with David when he gets home from work. I know a part of me is being so silly with this whole reliving that day. Every time I think of what happened just a year ago, I try to shake the memory. I look at Annika and think, look at her she is doing so well. She is 17lbs and full of energy. Treatments are going well and she is on no medications except enzymes and ventolin, so why am I worried. Enjoy each day, pray for many , many more.
Last night David got a small cake for just us to enjoy. Parker, David ,Annika and myself. We sang happy birthday and Parker blew out the candle. At the end of the song Dave added, "and many more birthdays" Why did that bother me so? We have said that at the end of "Happy Birthday " before. We wishes secretly(to reveal to each other later ) that Annika see so many birthday candles one day that people can tease her that the cake is on fire....lol
I know this is a natural part of healing, but I feel like my nerves are fried! Poor Parker today, he has pushed buttons in me that I didn't even know I had. My parents are taking him for the next two nights, which I so appreciate.
I don't know what I would do without family and friends.
I don't feel like I am enjoying Annika's Dance, I feel like I am destroying all we have worked to over come this past year.

Kim is in hospital

Yesterday morning Kimberly made the decision to go to the hospital because she had been puking all night and was in a lot of pain. Her family came to stay with Parker and Annika because Dave is out of town. Kimberly's mom took her to the hospital after Parker and Annika were all set up with a family member.

Kimberly spent the day in the hospital, receiving IV fluids and meds, having tests run, and feeling yucky. At one point in the day they were suspecting pancreatitis. Last night Angie brought Annika to the hospital to see mommy and nurse. Kimberly had been able to pump out a few bottles of breastmilk during the day and sent those home with Angie. Overnight Kimberly was able to pump out a few more bottles of breastmilk, which Angie will go pick up today, also giving Annika another chance to nurse right from Kimberly.

This morning Kimberly is being taken for an ultrasound because they are suspecting maybe her kidneys are what is causing her to be so sick. They still don't have any test results back yet.

I know this update is disjointed, but I don't have all the details, just the basics of what has been happening. At this point it looks like Annika will be fine with just Kim's breastmilk and I wanted to let the other mommas know that it doesn't look like Annika will need any breastmilk donated, but all your generous offers of breastmilk have been much appreciated. If the situation changes and Kimberly is not able to keep up with Annika's breastmilk needs, then one of us will spread the word and gladly accept your breastmilk donations.

That's it for now.

Annika's Teething Turmoil

Yep that is right, she has been teething, and not quietly I might add! She started with the two bottom, than the two top fangs, yes I have a vampire baby. She just finished breaking through her to top middle ones, and is now working on the two upper back teeth. 8 in total. Two behind Parker at this age.
The problem with cf and teething is the mucous. All our babies get runny noses and rosy cheeks. Mine gets this plus throwing up from the extra mucous, a hard time breathing through her nose because the mucous is so thick and she is constently digging at her ears, to the point I am debating a doctor trip. She sleeps like crap and is only happy with a boob in her mouth, which is pure hell for me. Can't babies be born with all their teeth....lol!

Mommie's trip to H...E.... double hockey sticks !

Well with Annika teething, sleep is a valued thing. Something I am not getting much of. I have now had a sinus infection since June of 2005, and I am on the third antibiotic for it. Just when I think I have it taken care of, BAMM! Back it comes again. I talked to the nurse practioner at London and they are going to do a CT scan of the sinus to see if a surgery has to be preformed to scrap the sinus walls. They seem to think I am colonizing bacteria in my sinus cavity. I don't care what they do, just let me breath again! and sleep again! and remember what I had for dinner last night, again.....lol

Dang Cf Bugs!

Well we got the confirmation from Toronto. Annika is culturing staph again!!!! We can't seem to kick this bug in the butt! Annika always gets a cough when she has staph, so even before the culture comes back, I can give you the results! They seem to think we are passing the bug back and forth between us, so Dr. Tullis put me on Zithro for 2 weeks , since I have a bugger of a sinus infection. Annika is on Keflex for 42 days. Man!
I guess it could be a lot worse.
Off we go on the antibiotic routine again. At least she is still eating really well. We are playing the adjustment game with her enzymes again, Toronto and I tend to have a few disagreements about what is best for her. I am the one changing her diapers all the time and monitoring her belly sounds daily, so ????? Oh well I guess I have to learn to trust the medical end of this disease sooner or later, but overall they have been really good with us.

Our last trip to Toronto for the year

Our trip to Toronto Sick Kids
Thursday was our appointment for Annika. All the doctors, therapists and nurses didn't even recognize Annika or me, that is how much we have changed in appearance since our last trip in September.
Our little girl is 6.67 kg and 68 cm long! She has doubled her birth weight! Yes! Everyone was so proud of her, and they were happy on the progress she has made.
Annika being the little charmer that she is ,had everyone eating out of her hands by the end of the visit. We got a great mucus ridden swab, so the culture should be more accurate.
We thought this would be our last trip to T.O , we plan to follow Annika's doctor to London ( 2 hrs closer to us) but they want her back in the spring to do an infant pulmonary function test. I guess Toronto is one of the only hospitals that has the machinery to do this test. So our regular clinics will be in London and once a year we have to go to Toronto for the infant pulmonary test as a part of a large study.An amazing clinic, and no blood taken, so no crying!

St. Michael's for me..........
Well I saw Dr. Tullis on the Friday(after a huge snow storm)And I was so pleased all my vitamin levels are normal(with no supplements) My pulmonary function was 98 (with a cold) and no diabetes. I have to wait on my culture and my bone density test.
Amazing visits both ways.
Dr. Tullis also stated to use the vest only when I have a cold or a build up of mucus. I met with the whole cf team, and they were really happy with all my test results. I will continue to see Dr. Tullis for one more year, than carry over to London (she has me as part of a mutation study, so she ask to continue seeing me for 2 more visits. I agreed, anything for the cause!)

Happy Holidays to everyone.
This is the first year that I haven't gotten Christmas cards out, or outside lights up.....oh well...They don't seem as important now as they did last year.
Christmas comes every year, and we have a lot to be thankful for this year, Thanks to Jesus and the support of all our friends and family, we have two amazing kids and a great marriage. Maybe next year I will get those cards out, and the lights up.
Ho! Ho! Ho!
God Bless ye all!
Love The Hassons